Wednesday, February 25, 2009

My Great Movie Idea

The other day I noticed a story in the Wall Street Journal about two formerly top-secret vessels the US Navy is trying to give away. First, there is the Sea Shadow - the prototype for all modern naval radar-evading technology. Along with Sea Shadow is the Hughes Mining Barge - a floating dry-dock that was the base for the Sea Shadow. The article says the ships are being "given away", but we're talking about the Navy here, so there is probably mountains of paperwork, unending bureaucracy, and one-or-two political hoops to jump though.

Still: rough water stabilized, diesel-electric propulsion, radar stealthy. What's not to like? Too bad it would cost a fortune to move and refit. It has to be the ultimate party boat, although it would be a little tough to fish off the back.

Then I got to thinking: what if I didn't salvage it as a party boat? What if I fit it with missiles instead? I could have endless fun making the great navies of the world think they're shooting at one another. Yeah! Even better: I'd use it as part of my dastardly plot to steal missiles from a British vessel lost in the South China Sea. Then, I'd use those missiles to provoke a war between China and Great Britain. Waddaya think, huh? Yeah? Yeah? Do you think the Navy will still let me have it?

I guess it depends. I've established I have a criminally-inclined genius and a ruthless streak, but more is required:

1. I need an organization with a name I can turn into a suitably menacing acronym.
2. I need henchmen with unusual and remarkable deformities (hard to find in St. Louis).
3. What about henchwomen with names both unlikely and sexually suggestive? (I guess I could hang out at SLU).
4. I don't have a white persian cat. Would my calico work?
5. I don't enjoy monologuing. I'll have to refine that skill.
6. Can I credibly threaten the destruction of western civilization while maintaining a PG-13 rating?

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